The Day I Decided to Quit Drinking

This is a part of my story and the details of the day I decided to quit drinking.

I walked in through the garage door, into the kitchen, the kids were already home, I didn’t have a dinner plan for them, I didn’t want to deal with all the things I needed to do next, like dinner time, cleaning up, bed times, playing coach and referee, listening to my husband insist on telling me his work drama over the chatter and whining of the 3 kids, ages 8 and under.

I had had a day. I was wound up as tight as a coiled spring ready to spring out and up. When I walked through that door, I felt trapped and stuck, like they were all needing me for all the things, and I couldn’t escape. It felt like I might explode.

And often I did, but tonight, I decided to aid myself in finding the quickest and fastest way to relief.

And that was through my old partner and savior, my ultimate, always there for me, lover, a dark, rich, full bodied, smooth and oaky Malbec.

I was reaching for the bottle of wine and my wine glass, when in the midst of all this, my good friend who lives 3 time zones away, called me. I picked up the phone, grabbed the whole bottle of wine and glass and headed upstairs to my bedroom, yelling as I hurriedly stormed up the stairs ‘I’M NOT AVAILABLE! DON’T INTERRUPT ME!’ And went into my bedroom, shut the door, and locked it. I sat down on floor, poured a glass of wine, and exhaled.

Ahhhh, I told my friend, ‘now, I’m good to go.’

We talked for a good hour, I chugged at least ¾ of that bottle of wine during our call. When we hung up, I was still sitting on the floor, now with a very heavy buzz.

I realized I had just escaped. I had escaped the loaded spring feeling, I had escaped the night time routines and chaos of the evening and I had escaped my husband, leaving him to do it all.

I went downstairs and everything was taken care of, dinner was long over, mess cleaned up.

And I noticed a very small whisper in the back of my mind ‘I didn’t actually want to miss out on it all…’

I felt guilty. I only got to see my kids for like 90 minutes a day and I just missed that.

And I knew right then, that something had to change.

I didn’t feel good. I drank too much, and now my kids were on their way to bed. So, I guess, what was I to do now? Watch TV, eat cheese and crackers and drink more wine.

Well, as it turns out, nothing changed for at least another year after this night. But I’ll never forget that desperate, I need an escape, overwhelmed feeling and how I sat on the floor in my bedroom with a locked door to my family, ever.

This night felt a little extreme, but the truth was, it wasn’t. This night could have been any night of the week after a long day at work.

I had high levels of anxiety, I always felt like I was the one responsible for it all, and the only little break I could find was my wine at the end of the day.

After that peak in hiding and escape, I started searching for better ways to do an American lifestyle. I literally googled it.

And through my google searches, I found stories of people doing it differently.

It was enough to inspire me to do my life differently.

Fast forward another year and a half, I had left my job and started a blog, shortly after that night in my bedroom, and I was deep into changing my relationship with alcohol.

I recently had a 90-day break from alcohol. It was the longest I had ever gone without having a drink (outside of being pregnant). I was feeling good, strong, I had ownership and agency over my anxiety, I was considering becoming a life coach, I lost 50 lbs!

I had never felt this good in my life. I had loads of energy, and clarity, I felt connected to myself, my relationships had improved. It was like magic.

And at this point I had dabbled in having a glass of wine here and there and it was not like before. I didn’t feel like I needed it at all.

One early evening, I was out with my family, eating tacos and I ordered a glass of rose.

I sipped the glass, it wasn’t that great, and I immediately felt that escape feeling coming in. I felt disconnected, foggy, out of touch with what was going on around me.

I turned inward, got quiet, and escaped inside myself during our nice family dinner.

I only had one glass, but as we were walking outside to the car, I heard another whisper, ‘I think I’m done with this.’ And I casually told my husband as we were getting into our 2012 Grey Dodge Caravan, ‘I think I’m done drinking, that’s it for me.’

And so it was. That was it. That was the day that I said no more to fogginess, disconnection, and escaping. And I said YES to being me and feeling connected. I didn’t want to miss out on one more moment of my kids' lives even if at times it felt chaotic and crazy.

It wasn’t some big extreme low moment that made me decide. It was an easy time, and I hadn’t been drinking that much, over tacos.

And I think that’s why it worked for me. I let myself really explore it, to see how it made me feel, to see what it was doing to me and how I felt without it. I quit when I was feeling good.

And after 20 years of extreme on again off again behavior with alcohol and food, this felt different. It felt like it was my decision. That I just wanted to, not that I needed to.

And I want you to know, that what got me here was a lot of trial and error. A lot of stops and starts, but in the end, I never gave up on finding a different way. I just had to figure out my own way, one that worked for me.

And you can do it too.

And if you want my help, you can get it a few different ways.
1 - Join me in Alive AF! My monthly stop over-drinking online membership. CLICK HERE. 
2 - Join me for an in-person retreat and get 3 months of private coaching. CLICK HERE.
3 - Subscribe to the Stop Over-drinking and Start Living podcast, here on the website or where you listen to podcasts.